Thursday, June 10, 2004
There is nothing like the impending birth of your first child to bring to thoughts of one’s mortality to the forefront of the cranium. You would think with such a joyous event on the horizon that my head would be filled with all things sugary and sticky sweet? But, death? The irony is delicious.
They say life takes on a whole new meaning once you become a father. I'm still unsure who "they" are but I can tell you my life is already changing in ways I never thought possible. Between the episodes of elation and fits of pure terror about the impending creation, I've generally found myself more and more excited about my forthcoming fatherhood; that is to say, I’m starting to think more like a grown-up.
Maybe its just fatherly instinct, but the need to be the provider and protector has really welled-up in me over the past month. And along with this rise of sentinel nature has come an overt reality of the ever-looming grim reaper.
I've never spent much time thinking about death; how many people before the age of 40 do? I'm not clinically insane, I do realize death is a natural part of the life cycle. It's just that when you’re relatively young, you tend to think of yourself as being immune to it. But, I’m turning 30 this year and things are starting to ache more and my health is starting to become more of priority, although not so much that I'm ready to denounce Buffalo wings and beer. This fatherhood thing has me thinking.
There are a host of physiological and physical aspects that expectant fathers can feel. Everything from weight gain to moodiness to changes in sleeps patterns. I didn’t put much stock on any of these when I read about them back at the beginning of the pregnancy figuring, I wasn’t the carrying the kid, how could any of this affect me? Well, guess what, it does, especially the desire to be the ultimate protector.
In a phase that I imagine might be similar to my wife's "nesting" phase when she gets there, I've not only become extremely protective but also worrisome. I read about this protective nature leading to some men going so far as to purchase a gun. At the time I laughed at the image I got of some guy defending his bedroom with a shotgun, now, it suddenly makes sense. Not that I have Smith and Wesson on speed dial yet, but I now understand how impending fatherhood could drive some fathers to their local gun shop. Which leads me to a worry you can’t really do anything, the unknown.
Driving into work this morning I heard a report on the radio about a truck driver who burned to death when he collided with another truck. While a sad situation to hear at anytime, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I began thinking about this man's family and how this morning was probably not unlike every other morning for then and then all of sudden things are altered forever. I instantly about thought about my wife and suddenly began to feel this immense sense of doom. I quickly changed the station and was rescued by Howard Stern.
Still, the feeling that came over me as a sat thinking about my own mortality was deeper and more real than ever. We live in an uncertain time in a culture that promotes fear. You can't turn on the television or pick up a newspaper without being confronted with some sort of terror warning. I also know that you can't think about the unknown because you will literally drive yourself crazy. But as a father-to-be, it's become tougher to avoid. "They" were right, I'm seeing things from a whole new perspective, but I just need to keep this new perspective in perspective because being too speculative can really distort perspective.
They say life takes on a whole new meaning once you become a father. I'm still unsure who "they" are but I can tell you my life is already changing in ways I never thought possible. Between the episodes of elation and fits of pure terror about the impending creation, I've generally found myself more and more excited about my forthcoming fatherhood; that is to say, I’m starting to think more like a grown-up.
Maybe its just fatherly instinct, but the need to be the provider and protector has really welled-up in me over the past month. And along with this rise of sentinel nature has come an overt reality of the ever-looming grim reaper.
I've never spent much time thinking about death; how many people before the age of 40 do? I'm not clinically insane, I do realize death is a natural part of the life cycle. It's just that when you’re relatively young, you tend to think of yourself as being immune to it. But, I’m turning 30 this year and things are starting to ache more and my health is starting to become more of priority, although not so much that I'm ready to denounce Buffalo wings and beer. This fatherhood thing has me thinking.
There are a host of physiological and physical aspects that expectant fathers can feel. Everything from weight gain to moodiness to changes in sleeps patterns. I didn’t put much stock on any of these when I read about them back at the beginning of the pregnancy figuring, I wasn’t the carrying the kid, how could any of this affect me? Well, guess what, it does, especially the desire to be the ultimate protector.
In a phase that I imagine might be similar to my wife's "nesting" phase when she gets there, I've not only become extremely protective but also worrisome. I read about this protective nature leading to some men going so far as to purchase a gun. At the time I laughed at the image I got of some guy defending his bedroom with a shotgun, now, it suddenly makes sense. Not that I have Smith and Wesson on speed dial yet, but I now understand how impending fatherhood could drive some fathers to their local gun shop. Which leads me to a worry you can’t really do anything, the unknown.
Driving into work this morning I heard a report on the radio about a truck driver who burned to death when he collided with another truck. While a sad situation to hear at anytime, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I began thinking about this man's family and how this morning was probably not unlike every other morning for then and then all of sudden things are altered forever. I instantly about thought about my wife and suddenly began to feel this immense sense of doom. I quickly changed the station and was rescued by Howard Stern.
Still, the feeling that came over me as a sat thinking about my own mortality was deeper and more real than ever. We live in an uncertain time in a culture that promotes fear. You can't turn on the television or pick up a newspaper without being confronted with some sort of terror warning. I also know that you can't think about the unknown because you will literally drive yourself crazy. But as a father-to-be, it's become tougher to avoid. "They" were right, I'm seeing things from a whole new perspective, but I just need to keep this new perspective in perspective because being too speculative can really distort perspective.
